Republican Plan Eliminates Employment Problem

WASHINGTON–At and early morning news conference on the steps of the U.S. Treasury, standing next to James Earle Fraser’s bronze sculpture of Alexander Hamilton, Speaker of the House John Boehner explained the latest Republican plan to slash the unemployment rate.

“We all know that raising the minimum wage is a job killer; that’s why Republicans consistently fight any attempt to raise it. Well, if raising the minimum wage destroys jobs, then extrapolating backwards implies that reducing the minimum wage will create jobs. So if we want to put Americans back to work, then we need lower the minimum wage. That’s why later today I’ll be introducing a bill reducing the federal minimum wage to $1.37 per hour. ”

Incredulous reporters asked the Speaker if such low wages would actually hurt the economy by taking away consumers’ purchasing power and reducing demand.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” replied the bronze Boehner. “If consumers have less money to spend, inflation will evaporate and prices will naturally fall, stimulating demand.”

A reporter for The Onion asked why it took Republicans so long to present their latest proposal since it was such an obvious extension of long established conservative principles.

“Look, math is hard,” explained Boehner. “Complex economic reasoning is not the sort of thing any random idiot can do effectively. But back in 2005, Rep. Michele Bachmann had an insight that I think we were too eager to dismiss. Let me share the genius that is Michele Bachmann.” 

"If we took away the minimum wage -- if conceivably it was gone -- we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level." – Michele Bachmann, 2005.

“Given Bachmann’s transcendent observation,” continued Boehner, “you might be asking why we don’t eliminate the minimum wage altogether and let wages fall to essentially nothing? If wages fell to zero, then the demand for workers would become infinite. I’m not sure why; I think it has something to do with division by zero. Remember, math is hard. But back to the point–infinity is a really big number, and according to the Census Bureau we don’t have that many workers.”

“There is one other thing we must do. This plan won't work unless we also increase security along our southern perimeter,” cautioned Boehner.” Such a dramatic change in the employment situation is sure to send millions clamoring across the border.”